The NFL has instant replay. The World Cup now uses VAR to back up its officials.
Major League Eating has...a handful of overwhelmed hot dog counters, and it’s threatening to derail not only America’s most prestigious sport, but our nation as a whole.
Human error was on full display Wednesday, ruining Joey Chestnut’s record-setting performance at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest — and by extension, the entire Fourth of July holiday — with incorrect counts that failed to process the gravity of the day’s competition. As Chestnut and second-place finisher Carmen Cincotti battled through an assault on Major League Eating’s record books, the PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants stationed on the stage struggled to keep up. As ESPN2’s broadcast went off the air, no one knew just how many hot dogs and buns (HDBs) anyone had really eaten.
It was a stain from which MLE may never recover. Viewers at home, stuck clutching their jean shorts and American flag tank tops, were left in suspense as the worldwide leader was forced to cut away to its next broadcast due to an ironclad, big-money contract with the American Cornhole League. Fans were left to scour Twitter for updates, wondering whether Chestnut had made history while dominating the field, or just dominated the field. It was a disgusting display of human error.
But don’t take my word for it.
Wednesday’s unforgivable gaffe robbed Chestnut of his glory and robbed those of us watching at home the feeling of watching history as it unfolded. Imagine watching Brandi Chastain’s penalty kick game-winner at the 1999 World Cup, but thinking it only gave Team USA an early lead. Or watching our troops raise the stars and stripes at Iwo Jima, just to be told the battle was merely a training exercise. This is the budding feeling of patriotism MLE’s poor accounting left stagnant in our chests.
Not only was Chestnut, our greatest American hero and true president, burning through dogs at a rate never before witnessed, but Cincotti was establishing himself as a legit challenger to his throne. We didn’t know any of this. The broadcast’s unofficial tallies made the final five minutes of the competition look like Chestnut’s victory lap.
A disgusting, sweaty victory lap covered in particles of half-digested pork and bread.
Lo, as Americans, we cannot accept this. We’ve clung to our traditional methods too long only to see them burn us on the biggest stage of them all. We turned to MLE commissioner George Shea to set the example for young Americans across the nation. We came to you, Major League Eating, to guide us through a turbulent time. To give us a reason to believe in this great experiment we call the United States. Instead, you gave us incorrect dog counts and robbed us of our urgency in the process.
Never again. Fix your shit, Major League Eating, lest Independence Day become the official holiday of cornhole rather than your shining example of American exceptionalism.
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